Tübingen, Germany, Apr 2010 ©Jasmine How Photography 2010

Barcelona, Jul 2010 ©Jasmine How Photography 2010

was glorious. loved the colours and light!

On the other hand, I could do photography everyday and work on my photos every minute. tirelessly, effortlessly. The colours, the images, never get me sick and bored. That’s how I’ve come to decide that it’s something I really would want to do my entire life. (the only downside being the need to constantly buy more external hard disk space, but that’s no too big a problem).

At this point of time, I’m really considering, was my decision to take a double major, a majorly wrong decision? Should I even continue with taking my honours? I really feel so unhappy right now, studying, and being in Singapore. In fact, I’ve never felt so unhappy in my life before and it’s draining away every bit of hope. As every day passes, I feel like the ray of hope to go back to Germany is diminishing, or that it will take me years and years before I can finally do so.

And if I do, what about my family? They would undoubtedly be so upset, if I tell them I would want to build my life there. Would they come with me?

When I was young, I had many dreams, of becoming a celebrity, becoming a businesswoman, someone successful in life. But now that I’ve grown older, I realize that these are just products of a society that made me think that way. A society that bases everything on achievement, success, fame, wealth.

Now that I’ve been to Germany, I am so convinced that Singapore does not hold the future that I want. Everything is constantly changing. Sure it’s a city that never sleeps, with things to do all the time, with new things popping up every day. One could never get bored. But I don’t need all that. I look forward to a life that’s peaceful, and perhaps, boring in a way to others. But from what I’ve experienced, I enjoy so much the little things in life there more. Sitting in a cafe, having brunch, drinking coffee and reading a book, without a need to rush. Sitting at home, doing art, the whole day through, without feeling tired, because it’s something I enjoy so much. Taking fieldtrips to countrysides, taking photos, going for a spin, looking at the beautiful landscape, breathing in the smells of the country. I miss these things so much. It could be a possibility why I’m not feeling well right now. Just sitting in the garden, soaking up the sun. Making a pizza, baking cookies. Just having time to do things that are enjoyable. Those things to me are the little intricacies of life that I don’t find here in Singapore. Here time passes so quickly I barely have time to count the days. It’s such a waste of life. One blink of the eye and a day is gone. And everything changes so fast that nostalgia is something you rarely find here anymore. Wanting to take a stroll down memory lane, you find that the lane has been replaced by something else. Something bigger, something more commercial, something with purpose and use and practicality.

Perhaps people say I’m romanticizing things. But I would rather do that, than to waste my life away doing things that makes me unhappy everyday.

Oh, please build me my house of love and art and music.

I so painfully need it. to get away from this life fraught with anxieties.